| Vancouver traffic jams are caused by friendly motorists letting each other in. | Toronto traffic jams are caused by nasty motorists cutting each other off. |
| Vancouver: "Rain again this winter, remember your umbrella." | Toronto: 40 below with windchill. Forecasts include "freezing flesh" warnings. Don't forget your shovel, candles, emergency flares, large amounts of cash for the tow trucks. |
| Vancouver ferry captains will actually back up the departing ferry for you if you're late. | Toronto ferry captains will actually back up the departing ferry for you if you're late. This is a demented attempt to sucker you into a watery grave. |
| Vancouver has breath-taking scenery. | Toronto has breath-taking pollution. |
| Vancouver has Fiftyfour-40. | Toronto has Smith & Smith. |
| Vancouver's near the Seattle Scene. | Toronto's near Mississauga. |
| Vancouverites talk to one another and even say "Hello!" or "Was that your foot?" as they pass in the street. | Torontonians don't talk to one another. It's a good way to get killed... or worse! |
| Vancouver: "Hey man got an extra hackey sack?" "No, but we can share this one!" | Toronto: "Hey man, got a dollar so I can tell the much music camera how much the world sucks!" |
| Vancouver: "Got any weed?" | Toronto: "Gimme your wallet. I need a fix." Then they shoot you so you can't report it to the cops. |
